The Slash Fairy
by Yinxui
Summary: I claim this fanfic genre in the name of Slytherin!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: If you sue, I will set the Slash Fairy upon your workplace.

It was a completely average day in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Ron was feeling rather sulky about his widespread failure in the overall concept of Quidditch, Fred and George were playing a cruel and unusual prank on an innocent first year Hufflepuff contemplating the Hufflepuffian journey of finding Waldo, and Harry was engulfed in fiery CAPS LOCK! ANGST. Crookshanks was engaged in a scandalous love affair including Lucius and a suspicious angel statue (Possible future crossover, you say?) and Draco was sitting in a conveniently placed armchair, stalking Hermione Granger.

"OI! Think of it as "observing!"

..Fine, Draco. Whatever works in Malfoy lala land.

The witch in question was attempting to completely block out humanity in general, absorbed in "Hogwarts: A History."

"Oi! Hermione! You read that book in literally _every _fanfic. Why-" –Dean Thomas vanished on the spot, due to the space-time-forth wall vortex he had tried in vain to surpass a few seconds ago. Dean's entire existence was instantly forgotten.

Suddenly, there was a thumping at the door, as if someone was throwing themselves against a solid object out of complete, utter desperation and madness. The door flew open. Ginerva Weasley burst into the chamber shrieking "DUMBLEDORE SORTING HAT DOBBY OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME I THINK THE MENTAL IMAGES WILL CAUSE MY BRAIN TO SHORT CIRCUI-" –and she was unconscious upon the stone floor.

"Ginny! What..happened! Ron exclaimed as he tried to revive his sister. Looking up at Harry with a panicked look in his eyes, fear spread throughout his quivering soul.

Only then did the inhabitants of Gryffindor Tower realize what Ginny had been trying to say. Neville promptly fainted. Draco twitched violently. Hermione cried. The maniacal author cackled.

A/N: There will be moar…mwahahaha!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm sorry about how long it has taken me to type this blasted work of "literature". My dad has been holding my laptop hostage since last Friday, so blame that, and the fact that I'm lazy. Anyway, I now present to you.. The Slash Fairy, Chapter Two. Such a tremendous achievement in ze field of ze Written Arts.

If you don't understand Pokemon, you will be confused. Very confused. Very, very confused..mwa..mwaha..mwahaha..MWAHAHA!

-The beginning is the most failed piece of nothing I have ever written. It gets better/slightly more insane. I promise.

…..

The inhabitants of Gryffindor Tower were afraid.

No, not afraid. Terrified. Finally, after a full minute had passed, Harry, trembling with fear, stood to face the crowd of whimpering students.

"I'm going to the Great Hall, in hopes of finding Malfoy. I need someone to violently beat with a floating chainsaw."  
'We're going with you, Harry! Hermin and I-"

"HEY!"

"-Hermione and I can't stand this -SLASHY TOWER OF MARY SUE FANFIC DOOM!- much longer", announced Ron.

The trio scrambled out the door, hoping to leave the disturbing crackpot fanfic idea in the common room. They had finally gone two whole steps out of the portrait hole when they heard an ear piercing shriek.

"Quick! It must have come out of that classroom! I just *knew* Snape was up to something! Let's stop that deranged wizard before he inflicts Hogwarts with any serious damage!" commanded Harry.

Well, Snape *was* up to something. Something that did inflict serious damage, not on Hogwarts, but on Harry, Ron, and Hermione's sanity. The thing is, usually, Harry would have simply gone down to Madam Pompfrey's for a nice bottle of Premium Mafalda's Magical Mind Bleach 2.0.

But he did not get a chance to ask Madam Pompfrey, because they healer screeched and hurdled out of the room, completely ignoring Snape who was shouting "NO! MY LOVER! MY WONDERFUL, SEXY LOVER! WHY DID EVERYTHING HAVE TO-"

RANDOM FANFIC READER APPEARS

RANDOM FANFIC READER USES *CONFUSE THE GENERAL PUBLIC*

"..But I thought this was called "The Slash Fairy"..Isn't Slash-"

DODGY MARY SUE AUTHOR APPEARS

DODGY MARY SUE AUTHOR USES *BAD PLOT DEVELOPMENT*

"Yes"

"But Madam Pompfrey is a wo-"

"Pardon?"

"A wo-wo-wo-wom-woma-oh dear Merlin, that's just-"

"Move along, here's a bucket"

IT'S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sprinted wildly in a random direction which conveniently turned out to be the Great Hall. After barricading the doors with tables and various chairs, the trio sighed and fell down to the ground in a crash, relieved to finally be far away from the horrific fanfic crack that you should never question because this is the internet and if you're on the internet and click "The Slash Fairy" and think you'll be fine, and then act all surprised with the author, well then that's your own fault and you obviously haven't been here long enough, bub.

"Phew..that was a close one.." said Ron.

Suddenly, with no warning or obvious foreshadowing at all, they heard a crash.

Hermione's instinct was to run, very fast, and very far. But she knew it was her duty as the only sane and reasonable witch belonging to Gryffindor, to sort this whole overall creepy mess out.

Harry, Ron and Hermione slowly creaked their necks around in that completely inconspicuous manner you would never expect anyone to ever achieve in real life.

Chaos, panic, disorder, unusually disturbing props and horrible ideas for future slash fangirls were literally everywhere. Like, really, Crabbe, Goyle, and a freaking OOD were on the CEILING. I mean, really. How in the name of Merlin would they even-and WHY THE HELL IS THERE A FREAKING OOD AT HOGWARTS? OODS HAVE NO BUSINESS IN HOGWARTS EVER. Well, I suppose they do sort of look like the Dark Mark on the cover of the hardcover edition of Goblet of Fire, but really, that suggests an undeniable crossover and I really don't have time at the moment and now I'm going to make inappropriate Doctor Who references like in my last fic and-

Please ignore the crazy muttering author behind the curtain. She is only an illusion.

Draco, Lucius, and Proffesor Binns were compromising with a live shark fin. Snakey the Pimp Cane, Flitwick, and Cedric Diggory (Oods are on the Ceiling of Hogwarts. Cedric at least deserves to be alive again) were entertaining Fred Weasley and Snape (same goes for them, yeh judgmental cannon worshipers) with Hermione's Time Turner. Dobby, Hagrid, Grawp were running through the crowd dressed in inappropriate Stormtrooper costumes scattering pancakes all over the floor.

And was that Aragog..rollerblading..with Trelawney..and Captain Jack Ha- MWAHAHHA!11 I LURKED INTO MY OWN STORY AND HID A DOCTOR WH-mmph..mph..-THEY'VE GIVEN ME SLEEPING PILLS! I'M DRUGGED! I'M DRU-uu-gg-….finland…

"FLYING CHAINSAWS!" screamed Harry. He had finally snapped

Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Hermione saw what appeared to be a giant pink floofy lump, whirling around with something that looked suspiciously like dust, sprinkling sparkles on unsuspecting victims.

Hermione's realizations slowly morphed into fear. Thankfully, Hermin kn-

"HEY!"

-Hermione knew what to do.

"TO THE HERMIONE-CAVE! AWAY!"

Sneaking to the dungeons, humming the Mission Impossible Theme song, Hermione lurked past the paintings , past the Slytherin Common Room, past Draco-

/insert fangirlish Dramione plot here

-past a bunch of old random abandoned passages until she got to a certain floorboard. She whispered "Zeeky Boogy Doog"-must..make..REFERENCES…THEY CAN'T FIND ME HERE..OH GOD OH GOD THEY'RE COMING WITH THE KNIVES OH GOD THEY'RE GOING TO-

-and flipped upside down, into her secret chamber of destruction. Pressing a specially pre-selected code into a nondescript looking pile of bricks, a door whirled open in the other side of the chamber. She stepped forward into the light, admiring the perfectly shimmering stealth suit emitting it's own rays of Mary-Sue-ism.

"Your time has come" sang Hermione, almost in a trance-like state.

…..

A/N: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Wow, I started writing this at eight PM and finally finished at 11. I think the quality increases as the sanity decreases. Anyway, ignoring that strange noise your head is making, and the suspicious smoke coming out of your hair, I have to give credit to my awesome friend whose fanfic name I have conveniently forgotten. I hope she still refers to herself as Crazy Chocolate Girl. Or Winged Freak Because if she doesn't, then I stole her idea and stealing is bad and I DON'T STEAL DOCTOR WHO EPISODES FROM MEGAVIDEO WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE I LEFT THE EXPLOSIVES IN THE WAREHOUSE WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT-


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **This will be the last chapter! A friend asked to write this, so give I hereby give credit to J.K. Rowling, my friend who wrote chapter three, Tom Felton, and the Harry Potter fandom.

* * *

Suddenly, there was the loud sound of a random chainsaw being activated. This snapped Hermione out of her trance like state. "O oku tame ni" she breathed. Outside, she heard Ron screaming and pounding on the floor. Suddenly it stopped, and she swore she heard, almost silent, "Slash, slash, die"  
The suit disappeared for a second, and then came back together perfectly. "Magic that I learned from the ninjas when I visited japan" "it's called maho" she explained to the author's friend who was writing all of this down. *  
Ha ha! I successfully snuck Japan and ninjas into your fanfic! Oh, sorry a little off track here! But, seriously, I speak Japanese… is that the same sleeping drug you gave her? If you're going to drug me, at least be original. There that should buy me at least… hey! ... Tokyo … Noodles and Company  
"Hiratte" said Hermione and the ceiling opened and she shot out of the ceiling and… if I described this battle this fanfic would be banned and I can't do that… I still want to be friends with her… I'll just say it was a really epic battle, and Hermione won, but only thanks to her Japanese ninja magic. Yep. I just totally made you readers mad with that so I'll end the story. OOH is that a thank you box of chocolate from my friend, characters, and readers? Yum… ack… gak… its killing me! It was…. Poisoned….uug….for such a horrible story….

The End  
*Rest of words spoken by Hermione are actually in Japanese to make the suit's magic work, but, fortunately, the author's friend has been studying Japanese for 5 years!


End file.
